Megan had her own bag, a secret one, and once she’d fired off two applications she went back to filling it with the things that Tom would need but wouldn’t think he’d need. At the bottom, she'd started with the teddy Mika’d given him for Christmas two years ago, and two bars of chocolate for comfort eating. Now what? She started with her bookshelf, with a book of nature poems, something light to drag him away from the endless theology and bible reading he would feel he should be doing. What else? Oh yes! That tea he liked on winter evenings, cherry and cinnamon. Not that it was winter, but he might want it anyway. And then some puzzle rings from the children’s magic box, and one of Mars' fidgets. Yes, perhaps retreat ought to be about taking away distractions, but he wasn’t going to cope. Not for a whole week.
Probably enough, she thought, hefting it in her hand. Don’t give him too much to carry, or to worry about losing. Just… one more luxury, perhaps? She hid the bag in her bottom drawer and headed out to buy a couple of sachets of luxury hot chocolate powder, picking up a bath bomb on an impulse. What were the chances he’d never have used one of those in his life?
One bag of treats, to bring out again on Friday night when she managed to nag Tom into packing by the threat that she would otherwise do it for him. “I’m putting this at the bottom. You leave it until you’re on the island.”
“No hints?”
“Not a chance.” She smiled sweetly. “Right. Clothes. Not just those!” She shook her head as he grabbed a stack of clerical shirts from the wardrobe, and threw him a couple of t-shirts. “Here.”
“I never wear t-shirts. Except for DIY.”
“You should. Might as well be comfy while you stress.”
“Thanks for that.”
“Here to help.” She threw him a pair of shorts as well. “Heatwave. Forecast says it’s getting worse.”
“Okay that’s really not happening…”
“Just take them anyway. Nobody's going to care about your scars, if that's what you're worrying about. Black shoes?”
“Wearing them tomorrow.”
“Black socks? Best collar? Cross?”
“On it.”
“Sandals, trainers? I’ll get them, you find trousers. Casual as well as smart!”
“Ta.” He returned to the wardrobe as she nipped down the stairs, to return with both pairs of shoes in hand.
“Pyjamas.”
“Check.”
“Sloppy jumper.”
“In this heat?”
“Just in case. Slippers? Bible? Prayer book? Underwear?”
“I’m sure they’ll have such things. As the books, I mean, not the underwear.”
“But it’ll be nice to have something familiar. Bucket and spade?”
“No.”
“Boring. Something to do. Cash just in case. Towel for the beach.”
“I’m not going swimming.”
“Why not? You'll want to when you get there. Meds. Toiletries.”
“Back in a minute.”
She followed him to the bathroom, to remind him of his razor and shaving foam and to make sure he packed enough painkillers.
“It’s only a week.”
“You’re driving, it does no harm. Better take it than wish you had. Glasses cleaner.”
“Good shout.”
“Shoe polish.”
“On it. You’re good.”
“Thank you. Daysack. Water bottle.”
“Give me a chance.”
“Also, sun hat and cream.”
“You know, I’d have remembered most of this stuff if you’d given me a chance…”
“Deal with it.”
He added the final items and closed the case, zipping it up and swinging it from the bed onto the floor. “Happy?”
“Make the most of it. It’ll be tough, but you can do it. And I’ll be there waiting at the Minster.”
“I’m here until tomorrow morning, don’t start the goodbyes now…”
“I know.” She took his hand and pulled him towards the door. “Let’s go downstairs and spend some time together. Do something with the kids.”
“Yeah. We should.”
“Are you okay?”
He shrugged, avoiding her eyes. “Just a bit…" He swallowed. "We should do something.”
“A bit real?”
“Yeah.”
“It’ll be okay. It’ll be wonderful. There’s no mistake.”
“I’m too young. Too inexperienced. Too weak. Too… I dunno, everything.”
“And in God’s eyes, that makes you perfect.” She leaned in and kissed him, slowly, forcing herself to let him place his hands on her waist. Felt the bump of her belly between them and pushed down the rising nausea. She stepped back after a couple of seconds, before it became too smothering, before her body and mind could rebel too strongly. This kind of thing… wasn’t it supposed to get easier, the better you knew each other? But then there were other things in the way, she reminded herself. Just take it gently, one step at a time.
It was he who took her hand this time, towing her gently towards the door. “Mika! Mars! Come see us for a bit.” He glanced at Megan and spoke more quietly. “Whatever we’re going to do. Play a game, watch TV, just talk?”
“We’ll see what they want?”
“Yeah.”
It was answered when Mika came and sat between them, arms wrapped around Tom. “You’re going tomorrow.”
“Yes. For a week.”
“Why do you have to go on retreat?”
She saw him glance at her before he answered. “Everyone has to, before they’re ordained, whether it’s as a deacon, priest, or bishop. It’s so I have time to pray and reflect before the service.”
“Can’t you do that at home, though?”
“Yes, but at home I have distractions. It’s a very big thing, I need lots of time and space. I’ll have a director to help me, otherwise I’ll be in silence all the time, I couldn’t really do that at home.”
“Why not?”
“Because things need doing. And you wouldn’t really like it if I were here and you couldn’t talk to me and I couldn’t talk back. It’d be hard for all of us.”
“I guess. I think it’s silly you should have to be silent all the time though. Talking’s good too, you learn lots of things that way.”
“I know. But silence is good too. I talk all the time, retreat is about doing something different, getting ready.”
“And you’re going to an island?”
“That’s right.”
“It sounds nice. Can’t you take us?”
“Not this time. Maybe one day, perhaps on holiday. It’s a very long drive! More than twice as far as York.”
“That’s far. Can’t you go somewhere nearer?”
“I could, but Lindisfarne is really nice, it’s worth it. Anyway, I’m going to York on the way there and back.”
“To see Godmummy Ruth?”
“That’s right. To meet Godmummy Ruth on the way for a special meeting, and then to stay with her the night before...”
Megan took over quickly. “We’ll be going to meet him there, for the service, remember? We’ll get the train up and then all drive home together – on Monday morning, so you're getting a day off school! We're going to stay in a hotel because daddy will be tired after his busy day.”
“And Godmummy Ruth’s going to be at the service?”
“Yes, she’s going to be taking it, and there’ll be lots of other people too. It’ll be very busy. Lots of people you know. Liza is going to do a reading, remember.”
“And daddy’s going to be made into a bishop. Through ordination, like what they do to deacons and priests only the bishop version, right?”
“Yes, that’s right.”
“And then you’re going to be a bishop. Does it make you different?”
Megan glanced at the pale of Tom’s face. “No, Mika, he’ll still be daddy. But he’ll have a different job, and he’ll be able to do different things. Like confirmations and ordinations. At the service, Ruth and everyone will pray that daddy can do all those things, and he’ll make a special promise to do his best.”
“And then does that mean you can confirm me?”
Tom’s face was frozen straight ahead, not even noticing her attempts to meet his eyes. Sorry, Tom, I didn’t want to do this to you, I should have known… but then you’ll have to get used to the ideas some time.
“Theoretically, in a few years, when you’re a bit older.”
“But if daddy can do it now, why do I have to wait? I understand and all, I know more than most people…”
“I know, but there are still rules. And anyway, daddy can’t do it now, he won’t be a bishop for a bit more than a week and then after that he won’t be properly free to do things until we move to Sheffield and we have another service there, and then he’s in charge of his own diocese. While we live here he has to be respectful of Bishop Luke, because this is his diocese.”
Mika snuggled down deeper between them. “I have an idea. Daddy, when you’re a bishop, you can ordain mummy, can’t you? Like, you can just do it yourself, whatever the other people say.”
It was Megan’s turn to freeze now, to turn her head slowly towards Tom and see him blink and then, equally slowly, shake his head. “No, Mika, I can’t.”
“Why not? Nobody can stop you.”
“First of all, because it wouldn’t be good for mummy to be ordained that way, everyone would be questioning whether she should really be a priest or not. Also because when you’re ordained, you promise to follow the rules. That means other people need to agree on who should be ordained. Even if mummy did try again, she would have to talk to another bishop because we’re married, even if hypothetically I did ordain her in the end someone else would have to make the recommendation. And if I didn’t follow those rules… I’d be breaking promises made in front of God, and I would also get in a lot of trouble. Can you imagine what Ruth would say?”
“But we know she’s good. It’s very silly.”
“Being selected for ordination isn’t about being good or bad, it’s about the selection panel believing someone fits all the criteria to be a good priest. It’s very difficult to work that out, the people on selection panels are very experienced and good at it. This doesn’t mean they might not make mistakes sometimes, but I trust them more than I trust me. And ordaining the wrong person, who maybe isn’t really called to it? That’s really bad, especially for them. So no, Mika, I can’t do it.”
“You’ve thought about it,” Megan whispered in his ear.
“Of course.”
“What if I decide to try again?”
“Then I will support you as you follow the process, and if you reach that stage then you’ll talk to Chrissie as Suffragan, or work with a team over the border in a neighbouring diocese.”
“You’re so law-abiding.”
“I’m an archdeacon.”
“No need to be a stereotype…”
“There’s sense in the rules. Most of them.”
She reached an arm over Mika and around his shoulders. “I’m only joking.”
“Well, you know if you ever want to talk about it…”
“Thanks.”
“By the way I need to take costume next week.” Mika had moved on, ignoring grown-up conversation completely.
Megan pulled a face at Tom. “What do you need?”
“Like. brightly coloured stuff, especially with like checks and stripes, and we have to wear shorts or skirts with bright stripy socks or tights, and the brightest colours we can all clashing as much as possible. And we made hats already, mine’s like a big pink paper flower thing. I was thinking I have my blue and green t-shirt and my pink skirt and then I was going to look in my drawer for other things only I haven’t done it yet, though can I have new tights or socks or something?”
“I’ll see if I spot anything, or we can go at the weekend.” Sigh of relief for easy costume demands. Fortunately the school tended to be considerate like that.
“And then I have to take it on Monday and we wear them for rehearsals and we’re going to try to do everything without lines or prompting and we’re going to have the proper lights and all, like the real thing. And we’re going to try makeup on Tuesday, like not really much for munchkins but Di’s going to be completely green. And they’re going to make Roxi look really like the lion!” She sighed. “Is the new school going to do stuff like this?”
“Almost certainly.”
“What’s it like? Is it bigger?”
“It’s about the same size as your school now,” Megan told her. She knew most of the details back to front, from reassuring Mika again and again - and from making sure it was the right place for a child with Mika's needs. “The uniform’s red instead of blue, that’ll be a nice change, won’t it? And remember we're going in before the term starts, to meet your teacher and look around. And your new key worker's going to come and visit us at home, so that's another adult you'll be able to go to, like you have Ms Daniels now.”
“Everyone’s going to know each other.”
“It might be hard at first, but your teacher will help you and you can use your communication cards if you need to, until you settle in, and you're going to have a buddy to look after you for the first few weeks. You’ll make friends quickly, you’re good at that. And at brownies too, don’t forget you have a new pack.”
“I like my old pack.”
“I know, but it’s going to be too far away. I bet you’ll like the new pack too. And they’ll do all the same kind of things.”
“I know. And then I’ll have friends here and friends here. I can come back and see them when I’m older.”
Most likely she’d move on quickly enough, but Megan nodded. “If you want to.”
“What’s Mars’ college like?”
Mars shrugged. “Seems okay. I dunno, it’s a college. Everything’ll be fine, it’s still school and all just in a different place, calm down.”
“I’m not going to go to Elmwood when I’m older, am I?”
Megan looked back from glaring at Mars. “No, you’ll go somewhere new. In a few years we can look around all the schools in the area and decide which one, that’ll be fun.”
“Yeah, you can look around and see what you like. And you won’t have people being like are you my sister or whatever. Like, teachers who remember me. Other people at school get that all the time.”
Megan gave Mars a smile this time. Well done, and thank you. She couldn't claim she was particularly excited at the prospect of having to communicate with yet another school, but Mika needed positivity.
“And we get a new church too?”
“Yes we do.”
“It won’t be as nice as ours.”
“Now, don’t judge it before you know it!”
“It’s not, though. It won’t have Steve. Or Holly, or Jacob, or anyone. Steve was going to let me start being an acolyte.”
“And we’ll make sure you get to do something like that at the new church. And we’ll be really near the cathedral, we can go there lots. You’ll like that, won’t you?”
She shrugged. “Real churches are better. When people all know each other and it’s not all official and you can see what’s going on.”
Tom raised his eyebrows. “Cathedrals can be like that too, at normal services – not special ones, like we normally take you to. It’ll be much nearer, and it’s a fairly small cathedral – much, much smaller than York! But yes, it’s a bit different, and it’s okay to like the parish more, in fact I think that’s a good thing. We need to keep remembering that the Church is more than just our own little church, so in cathedrals we can all get together. But no, for most people, it’s not the same kind of community as you get in the parish. You know, most cathedrals used to be part of monasteries and in the quire is where all the monks used to sit? So some of the way they do things is still based on the monasteries.”
“But Henry the Eighth killed all the monks. Even though monks don’t hurt anyone or have weapons or anything, so that was bad. But he killed lots of his wives too, so he was pretty nasty all round. You remember that show..?”
Megan did indeed remember a lot of children’s TV, mostly from second-hand accounts and re-enactments in the kitchen. “I’m glad you get something from all that time in front of a screen.”
“We did it at school too. And like all about how Tudors lived in black and white houses, though if this was after the cathedrals and stuff they must have been able to build stuff out of stone, mustn’t they? And if they had, it wouldn’t all have burnt down. I didn’t think of that before.”
“That’s a good thought. Maybe they couldn’t afford to build everything out of stone. It takes a long time and expensive materials.”
“But then it wouldn’t have burnt down and all those people wouldn’t have died.” She picked at her skirt. “They should have been more careful. And not just blamed that baker. He didn’t mean to set fire to things.”
Tom stretched. “Want to do anything, Mars?”
Mars shrugged. “Dunno. Play something?”
“You pick. Preferably something Mika’ll like too.”
“I’m going to do team with daddy.”
“Okay then.”
“I’m going to get mummy to take a picture of me in my costume next week, so you can see when you come back. School’s going to take pictures too, and maybe a video.”
“I hope so, I’m sorry to be missing it. I’ll try to be there next time, I know you’ll be really good. My little munchkin…” He squeezed Mika, making her giggle. “Right, Mars, what do you have for us?”
A family evening, a rare thing now. They played a couple of games, and then talked a bit more, and then watched a film, and it was ten o’clock when Megan realised that Mika was still there and asleep on the sofa, and Tom brushed off concerns about his knee to carry her upstairs. Tom, who’d be off tomorrow, and although it was only for a week, it felt bigger. Because before he walked back through this door, before he sat on this sofa again, he would become something else. The same, but not.
Not that he’d really been the same for a while. At least they’d had this evening, one more night with the old Tom. When he came back, who knew how much he would have changed?
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