It really wasn’t the best news to start a morning, thought Isla as she parked in the hospital car park and headed inside. What signs had she missed? Ruth had been tetchy all week, ever since Dot’s death. Tetchy and tired, and hiding where possible in her office, not even popping out to ask Isla to make her coffee. And then yesterday she'd had her day off, and suddenly Tom was texting her to tell her Ruth was in hospital in Scarborough! Why Scarborough? And why was it Tom who knew? Okay, that second question was easier, because Tom always seemed to know.
He was there now, sitting by Ruth’s side, looking up as she came in, standing to cross the room and whisper to her.
“Morning Isla. I'm glad you’re here. It's been, as you might guess, a horrendous night... but she’s sleeping peacefully now and nurse Lara here is keeping a very close eye on her. Her sister or someone from her family will probably be along at some point. She’s been confused and rather scared - a sign of just how ill she is. In terms of ministry of the Church, I’ve given her laying on of hands with anointing, but I don’t have the reserve sacrament with me and anyway she’s not been awake enough for very long. That's something you could do for her, perhaps, text me if you can't and I'll bring it when I return this evening.”
“It’s that bad?”
“First of all, this is Ruth, it doesn't have to be particularly bad to offer her sacraments and sacramentals. But yes, it sounds like she came closer than she knows to dying - heatstroke's no joke, and she ignored it for hours before we got her here. Definitely improving at the moment but as I said she's still under close supervision, and you can see the number of machines she's hooked up to. And pastorally, it really helps her. Just… made her feel a little less alone, perhaps.”
“Thank you. For looking after her.”
“When I got her call I couldn't do anything but come to her. But I need to be in Sheffield this afternoon, I'll be glad to know she has you nearby. I'll come back afterwards, that'll be okay right?”
“Of course.”
It was just that he cared, she reminded herself. He’d known Ruth so much longer than her, she was the godmother of his child, they were close friends, of course he would be here in a time like this. It just happened that he’d done Isla’s job before her, just as someone else would do it after her. He was a hard one to follow, though.
“Not a great way to start a morning.” He pulled a face at her. “Well, good luck dealing with all that needs to be dealt with. And now, I’ll leave her to you… just waiting as long as I can, in case she does wake and I get to say goodbye.”
Ruth shifted uncomfortably, and Isla moved to Tom’s side to look down on her, at the flushed cheeks, at the hospital gown which clung to clammy skin. Tom signalled for her to take the seat, and she watched him pick up his visiting case and pastoral services book, mentally kicking herself for forgetting her own. She’d known she was going to a hospital, too, had far more planning time than Tom. She was just out of the habit, mostly thanks to working at Bishopthorpe. Well, he was a bishop, she tried to reassure herself. No need to compare yourself.
“Isla…”
Her attention had drifted in the long wait, and it took her a second to zone back in on Ruth. “That’s me. I’m here now.”
“Sorry…”
She glanced up at Tom for a moment and instantly berated herself for doing so. “It’s okay. I’m here.”
“I feel gross.” She pushed herself up with some effort, propping herself on the pillows.
“Nobody’s judging.”
“I suppose I have to ask to use the toilet, too…”
Tom then reached down to take Ruth’s hands in his. “I ought to be going, I just waited to say goodbye. Isla’s here to keep you company now, and I’m going off to Sheffield and then to check in at home. Look after yourself. I’ll see you later, okay?”
“Go on, then. Thank you for... everything.”
“Thank you for calling me, I’m very glad you did. Now, you focus on getting well. God bless you, Ruth.”
She smiled and watched him go, and then turned back to Isla. “Tell me, how terrible do I look?”
“Probably similar to how you feel.” Isla pulled a face at her to try to help her relax. “I'll let you discuss toilet arrangements with nurse, but I can comb your hair afterwards if you want. Make you feel a bit more yourself.”
“Before any more visitors see me like this.” Ruth pushed back the blankets. “That’d be very kind. So, I’m allowed out of bed?”
“Steady on.” Nurse Lara stepped over to join them and placed a hand on her arm. “I'm afraid you're not going anywhere.”
“I can manage.”
“We can't take all of this equipment with us. You do have a couple of options though...”
“I'll leave you to have this conversation in private?” Isla stepped away quickly. “Um, call me when I can come back in?" Isla stood and moved towards the door to wait in the corridor. A doctor tapped on the door and then ducked through past her, and Isla continued to pace up and down her few feet of corridor as hospital staff came and went, feeling more awkward by the minute. To distract herself, she took out her phone and started looking at the websites of local churches, trying to decide which would be most likely to give her the reserve sacrament without fuss. She should have thought to bring it from Bishopthorpe this morning, really. But she was damned if she was going to text Tom and tell him she couldn't manage this one thing. Perhaps she could get bread and wine and consecrate... but that would require vessels and take time when Ruth should be sleeping, and if that was the best approach then Tom would have suggested it...
“Thank you for that, I've been asked to let you know you can come back in now.”
“Oh, thank you. Can you tell me how she is?”
“Better than she was, but that's all I can say right now.” The doctor held the door for her, and they exchanged places. The back of Ruth's bed had been raised so she was half sitting, and her scowl contrasted with the exhaustion on her face. Isla knew better than to comment on either.
“Still want me to do your hair?”
“Please.”
Isla teased the worst of the knots out with her fingers, before Lara passed her a wide-toothed comb and a bottle of dry shampoo. Perks of private healthcare, Isla thought, not for the first time. She squashed down memories of her own experiences on overcrowded wards, where even getting a drink of water could be a battle. “Kath’s got you signed off for a week. Expecting to extend it to two.”
“I’d protest but I feel like shit. Head hurts.”
Nurse Lara glanced across from where she was fiddling with one of the machines by Ruth's bed. “Nothing else we can do about that, I’m afraid. Just sit up for five minutes and then breakfast will be here and then you can go back to bed?”
“I’m not sure this can be described as sitting up.”
“It’s all relative. You can get up for longer next time, maybe even move to a reclining chair. Kidney function permitting.”
“I’m never ill.”
“It comes to us all. This hot weather’s pretty tough on the body.”
“Maybe that’s part of it. Thought it was just Dot.”
“That's understandable.” Isla took over the conversation, stroking down Ruth’s curls with her hands, easing out a final tangle. “It’ll get easier with time.”
“I suppose.” Ruth’s tone shut down the conversation. “Can I lie down properly now?”
“You want to sleep some more?”
“Yeah.”
“Breakfast first, I believe.”
“I’m not hungry.”
“I don’t think it’s optional.”
“No.” Lara backed her up. “And it’ll be here any minute. Eggs on toast today, I hope that’ll suit.”
“Depends on the eggs.” Ruth scowled grumpily as she waited, a couple of minutes of sitting there before the tray was carried in and set beside her. VIP treatment, thought Isla, looking at it. Here were the effects of health insurance more comprehensive than she could dream of.
At least Ruth noticed it. “You’re treating me different, aren’t you?”
“We’ve checked your cover, it’s all included, may as well make the most of it.”
“So this is why the Church of England is broke…” Ruth sighed as she was raised to a more upright position, a bib tucked around her neck. “I thought I had words after last time I was in.”
“Well, cook’s made it, so don’t let it go to waste.”
“I suppose.” Ruth reached out a hand, took a fork in a shaking hand, scraped the egg off the toast so the two parts of the meal were separate on the plate, ate the toast with her fingers then tried unsuccessfully to transfer a scoop of eggs to her mouth. She slammed the fork down again. “Fuck’s sake. Sorry.”
“I know it's frustrating. Let me help.” Nurse Lara held a napkin under her chin and took the fork, Ruth scowling as she let herself be fed and then leaning her head back as soon as the plate was empty.
“Since I’m being an invalid, can I go back to bed now?”
“Of course you may.” Lara found the controls and Ruth was returned to horizontal, the blankets tucked around her again. “Sleep is the best thing you can do right now. I or one of my colleagues will be here to look after you.”
Ruth glared up at the ceiling, still scowling, her hair fanning around her face, then turned her head a little to the side and closed her eyes. Isla returned to her seat by the bed and took out her phone, to scroll through emails and have a text conversation with Kath, then took a deep breath and called a local vicar, who promised to drop in straight after her midday Eucharist. That sorted, Isla glanced back at Ruth as she shifted in her sleep, before continuing with work. There was little else she could do, now. Just be here, on hand, in case at any point there was a use for her.
“Isla?” A hand reached towards her, and she put the phone down to take it. Ruth’s skin burnt against hers.
“Here. Right here.”
Ruth’s grip was strong, the only thing about her that was. “I hate this.”
“I know. I’m sorry.”
“Make it stop?”
“If I could I would.”
“I know.” Ruth shifted, half turning to cling to Isla’s hand with both of hers. “Don’t go.”
“I won’t.” Isla reached out tentatively to brush Ruth’s hair out of her face. “I won’t, don’t worry. You’re safe.”
“Am I going to die?” Ruth’s voice was hoarse, quiet.
“No. No, Ruth, you’re going to be fine.”
“If I am… tell me. So I can… be ready…”
“You’re not, Ruth.” She pushed conviction into her voice. “You’re going to fight this off, and you’ll be fine again.” Just an hour ago she’d been sitting up eating breakfast. With help, perhaps, but still. She glanced in the nurse’s direction, and she was straight over, bending over Ruth and taking her temperature, an eye on one of the displays beside the bed. Isla placed a hand on Ruth’s forehead to still her and looked up anxiously, as the nurse moved away without a word. Isla saw her press the button on her station even as she reached to take Ruth’s hand again. “Hush. Don’t be scared, you’re being well looked after. Nobody’s going to let you die.”
“I… was angry… with you. Impatient. You wanted to help.”
“I was pushy, I know that. It was your right to decide whether to talk or not.”
“I was upset about Dot, I let that… take over. Out of proportion.”
“You had every right to be upset.”
“I was annoyed about retiring, too. I wanted to change my decision. To carry on. It’d be good for the Church, I told myself. And I’m just so… proud of it. Of where I am, of who I am. It’s God who got me here, I’ve nothing to be proud of.” A tear dripped from her eye and down her face. And despite the hoarseness of her voice, Ruth kept going, forcing the words out. “And then… I let myself despair. I let myself think God had left me. And I… I was thinking of killing myself. Tom stopped me, he talked and talked and wouldn’t let me. And it’s so stupid, my life’s not so bad, I just… let myself despair… get carried away…”
Isla fought to hide her reactions, to focus only on Ruth’s fear.
“And I… was inconsiderate to the Sisters, when they looked after me… and to everyone… I wouldn’t let them in. I tried to pretend, to lie that I was fine. If I'd let them, they would have helped me get checked over and I wouldn't be... here like this, wouldn't be... causing so much trouble and pain. And I lied to you, Isla. And everyone. And myself. And God. After all God’s done for me, I… I lied… I rejected it…”
Isla tried to process, to work out what best to do. What did Ruth need now? “Do you... have anything else you need to get out?”
“Pride. So proud. Always. Impatient. With you, with everyone. My duty… to be patient… to show God’s love. I haven’t… done that… as well as I could. I’ve told others… it’s all about God. But forget that. So much.” She reached a feeble hand to try to wipe her face. “I’ve sinned… so much…”
Isla caught the hand in hers and held it, keeping her right hand free. “And now you place this all at the foot of the Cross?”
Ruth screwed up her eyes, swallowed. “Bless me… Mother, for I…” she took a deep breath, “…have sinned.” Her eyes were open again, drilling into Isla’s with desperation.
Isla closed her eyes for a moment to escape that gaze, swallowing before she opened them again. The whole situation was so wrong, but in Ruth’s current state, what could she do?
What could she do but what was needed? She swallowed again, took a deep breath, and raised her hand, let familiar words flow. “May the almighty and merciful Lord grant unto you pardon and remission of all your sins…” she traced the cross in the air, took another breath. “Time for amendment of life, and the grace and comfort of the Holy Spirit. Amen.” She found a clean tissue and dabbed the tears from around Ruth’s eyes. “Your sins are forgiven. You’re going to be okay. Stay calm. Everything will be okay. You’re safe. God has Her arms around you. Don’t be scared.”
There was a long pause before Ruth's whisper. “I can... go now.”
Oh please, please don’t let those words become her permission to give up. What was I supposed to do? Refuse, with her so ill, not knowing what would happen? Let her continue to fret? That’s not ministry. “Not without a fight. You still have work to do. You’re going to get through this and carry on.”
“I’m tired.”
“Sleep and recover. You’ll feel better when you wake up.”
“Don’t want to wake up.”
Isla swallowed. “But you have to. For me. For Tom. You can’t do that to him.”
“He can move on… his new life…”
“He’s doing that, don’t worry. But…” she took a deep breath. “If you die, he won’t. That’s what’ll hold him back. Losing you. He loves you and cares about you, you can’t abandon him now. You want him to move on, he has to know you’re safe and healthy and he can come back and see you whenever he wants.” She focussed on stopping the trembling of her hand, then placed it over Ruth's. “The heavenly kingdom… will still be there in twenty years. Don’t leave us yet. You’ve so much left to do.”
Behind her, the door opened, and then a doctor was on the other side of the bed, Nurse Lara reaching across Isla to pull the sheets out of the way so that the doctor could examine Ruth, and Isla looked on with wide eyes, helpless. Tom would know what to do. Tom would be calm, in control. Not panicking, certainly not showing if he was.
She took a shuddering breath and forced herself to look into Ruth’s eyes, pushed the panic away. It was going to be okay. She was calm, and collected, and in control, just like Tom would be. Ruth didn’t need her panicking.
“Don’t be afraid.” She heard her own voice as though it were someone else’s. “Don’t be scared. You’re being well looked after. You’re going to be okay.”
“Cannula…”
“Here…” They took one of Ruth’s hands from Isla, and she kept hold of the other, her eyes holding Ruth’s.
“Right,” The doctor finally spoke to them. “We’re going to put you back on dialysis for the moment. Just going to give an injection through your cannula first. Stay relaxed as you can, it should start to kick in in a few minutes. And I'll get you booked in for some scans as soon as imaging can fit you in. See how things are progressing, what's our best option.”
“Hear that, Ruth? Relax, you’re going to be fine. Relax. I’m right here.” She swallowed, hoping her words were true, though it didn’t really matter whether they were or not. “It’s okay. Don’t be afraid. You’re safe.”
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